Davis vs. York -- just bicker, baby
The Raiders' lucky telegraph machine is on the fritz again, meaning a phone call has to suffice. Words can't go unsaid, not this week, not when the proud owners of the NFL's most hopelessly bungled franchises -- the Raiders (0-3) and 49ers (1-3) -- meet Sunday for Bay Area "bragging" rights. Let's listen in:
Al Davis: Howdy neighbor. Just wanted to RSVP and let you know we can't wait to check out that new stadium of yours.
John York: About that. It's not quite done yet. It takes time to figure out how to replace a relic, such as you atop the Raiders hierarchy.
AD: How (expletive) dare you? I've forgotten more football than you'll ever (expletive) know.
JY: Your shrewd mind is the only thing you haven't lost. What's the streak at now, nine straight Raiders losses dating back to last year?
AD: At least the greatness of the Raiders never endured a 41-0 loss at Kansas City, not even when we let the Chiefs have that (expletive) Marcus Allen. So how are you liking that Norval Turner offense now?
JY: Check the win/loss column, Brooklyn boy. We've got a "W." And you?
AD: We've got a "B&B" guy. That's short for "bed and breakfast," in case your Notre Dame education fails you.
JY: Don't knock Notre Dame. You'll be drafting Brady Quinn No. 1 overall next April.
AD: What ever happened to that quarterback of yours who (expletive) beat us in overtime the last time we played, in 2002? He was a slippery little (expletive).
JY: You must mean Jeff Garcia. He was part of our highly acclaimed 2004 housecleaning, and he left town with about $20 million of my hard-earned money.
AD: Don't you mean your wife's money?
JY: Back off, bucko. Garcia would have been a better free agent pickup than Aaron Brooks. I guess you dropped the ball on that, kind of like a typical Brooks snap. Hardy, har, har.
AD: Two words: Alex Smith. Two more: Ha, ha.
JY: You're sure getting your worth out of Randy Moss. Nice trade. He lights up the scoreboard, what, once in a blue moon?
AD: Pity that you don't have anyone capable of stopping him Sunday.
JY: Listen, you guys are the ones with the NFL's worst record (13-38) since 2002.
AD: You (expletive, expletive) are 14-38 in the same span. By the way, thanks for bringing up 2002. We made it to the Super Bowl that year. And you?
JY: We won the NFC West. Then I fired Steve Mariucci. Good times. Good times.
AD: Nobody waxes nostalgic better than me. You (expletive) guys owe me for letting you trade for Fred Dean in 1981. I could have had him. He saved Bill Walsh's career.
JY: I ended Bill Walsh's career.
AD: Yeah, I've been meaning to tell you: Dumb move.
JY: And I've been meaning to praise you for exhuming that Art Shell-Tom Walsh dynamic duo.
AD: The greatness of the Raiders is in their future.
JY: Pardon?
AD: Just win, baby.
JY: Oh. Great. Anything else?
AD: Yeah, did you know I got Eddie DeBartolo Sr. to buy the 49ers? If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have had a franchise to ruin once you got to take it over in 2000.
JY: It's not in ruins. It's not, it's not, it's not.
AD: That's right, deny, deny, deny. Works for me. Especially when those "rumors" (ha, ha) pop up about us moving back to Los Angeles.
JY: I thought the rumor is that the 49ers love L.A.?
AD: Keep out, pal. That's our territory, from Irwindale to Hollywood Park to the Pete Carroll Coliseum.
JY: Why go down there, I say, when Santa Clara, er, Hunter's Point looks so attractive?
AD: By the way, nice look bringing back Wendell Tyler. I thought I recognized those fumbles.
JY: That's Frank Gore. He's a Mike Nolan draft pick, so talk to him if you've got a problem with it. And at least I'm not paying my starting running back $5.5 million a year to run behind a horrible offensive line like you're doing.
AD: Penny pincher.
JY: I know you are but what am I?
AD: You're taking up too much of my time. Got to go. Jerry Porter just finished waxing my Town Car. And don't make me park in the mud again at Candlestick. You and I have been stuck in the mud long enough.
His own Brother-in-law too...what an ass!!