The ***Official*** Joke Thread!! [Archive]

Angel

05-01-2006, 08:47 PM

Just because every MB needs one :p Feel free to post any good jokes, silly jokes....any kind of jokes.....;)

Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling

"Good idea."
Really means...
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means...
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means...
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means...
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means...
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."
Really means...
"She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

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Angel

05-01-2006, 08:48 PM

And just to make it even......

What common words, phrases and sounds actually mean, when a woman says them...

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sighs: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

Oh (as the lead to a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

:p

CrossBones

05-01-2006, 09:08 PM

LOL Angel! :D

Angel

05-02-2006, 07:48 AM

Good Girls vs. Bad Girls

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

Angel

05-03-2006, 12:54 PM

Some things that make you go hmmm....

1. Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?

4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

5. How do a fool and his money GET together?

6. Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?

7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a workstation?

9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

12. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

13. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

14. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

15. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

16. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

17. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

18. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?

19. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

20. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?

21. How come there aren't B batteries?

22. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?

23. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?

24. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?

25. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

26. How is it possible to have a civil war?

27. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

28. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

29. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

31. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

32. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?

33. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

34. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?

35. How do you throw away a garbage can?

36. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

37. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

38. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

39. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

40. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

41. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

42. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

43. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?

44. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

45. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

46. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

47. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

48. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

49. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

50. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

CrossBones

05-03-2006, 01:20 PM

Lol --- Rep!!!!

Rupert

05-03-2006, 02:11 PM

Geroge Carlin has a way about him doesn't he?

Angel

05-04-2006, 07:55 PM

He sure does Rupert!! :p

You know you're out of college when...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. 8:00 am is not early.

9. You have to file your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11. You're not carded anymore.

12. You carry an umbrella.

13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".

14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.

15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.

17. You start watching the weather channel.

18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.

19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.

22. You go to parties that police don't raid.

23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you... and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.

24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.

25. Your car insurance goes down.

26. You refer to college students as kids.

27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.

28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.

30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.

31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

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Angel

05-05-2006, 11:38 AM

Signs You're Watching Too Much Football

10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive
9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons
8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players,you tear the
cartilage in your knee
7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on'em
6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip
5. During sex, you use a play clock
4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway
3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup
2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden
1. After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion

Rupert

05-05-2006, 02:06 PM

WOW! I usually go for the 2-point conversion during sex. And there's no question about who will receive (I ain't no catcher). :p

Angel

05-06-2006, 01:04 PM

WOW! I usually go for the 2-point conversion during sex. And there's no question about who will receive (I ain't no catcher). :p
Ahaha Rupert~!! :p

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

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I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

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Practice makes perfect.
But nobody's perfect
so why practice?

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If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

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Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

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Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.

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One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

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The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

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Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

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Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

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"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep.

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There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning.

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"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk.

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"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours.

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God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

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The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So... why learn.

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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
what more can I say.

Angel

05-07-2006, 02:46 PM

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

Angel

05-08-2006, 01:41 PM

These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...

1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to fucking answer it?

2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the fucking line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.

3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???

4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.

5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally fucked. We didn't fuck it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.

6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' shit shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!

7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.

8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.

9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.

10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.

11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.

12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the fucking toaster to
Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.

13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the internet
is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.

14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.

15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admin your completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.

16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.

17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is fucked, it's fucked. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's fucked. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.

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Angel

05-09-2006, 10:47 AM

Prison vs. Work

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make
things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10
cell.
AT WORK.... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8
cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the
seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work
required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers

Angel

05-10-2006, 07:56 AM

Two guys from Michigan are sittin' in a boat on Elk Lake fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Mike says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."
Harry sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Angel

05-10-2006, 07:57 AM

woman's yearly exam

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain
basics.

How much do you weigh?" she asks. "135," I say. The nurse puts me on the
scale. It turns out my weight is 150.

The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 7," I say. The nurse checks
and sees that I only measure 5' 5".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. "Of
course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now
I' m short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

Rupert

05-10-2006, 09:09 AM

A blonde joke:

A blind man walks into a bar, finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there a while, he yells to person sitting next to him, "Hey, do you want to hear a blonde joke?

The whole bar falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, Sir, you should know a few things....

1. The bartender is a blonde woman.

2. The bouncer is also a blonde woman.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound, blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a professional weightlifter.

5. The woman to your right is a blonde and happens to be a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man sits there quietly for a minute and then shakes his head and says "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."

CrossBones

05-10-2006, 09:17 AM

Angel

05-11-2006, 12:03 PM

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Rupert again.

Blah!! Good Joke Rupert!! ;)

Angel

05-11-2006, 12:06 PM

Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

Angel

05-12-2006, 10:44 AM

A Bitch's Wish list
Read carefully & pay attention guys
Things guys should know about girls:

1.. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.
2.. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3.. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4.. Girls are pretty, but yours is ALWAYS the Prettiest!
5.. You don't have PMS; don't fuckin act like you know what it's like.
6.. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7.. If you talk about having a big Dick; we know you don't.
8.. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that want real relationships.
9.. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big.
10.. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys not us.
11.. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.
12.. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13.. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
14.. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
15.. We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.
16.. We are DrAmA queens.
17.. Fashion police do exist.
18.. Don't ask us to give u head; if you are nice you just might get it.
19.. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about... in other words shut the fuck up!
20.. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21.. We don't shave our legs everyday so get over it.
22.. Don't make bets about us; we will always find out.
23.. Shave; no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or mustache looks, we always hate it.
24.. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other strange gases from your body, it isn't, so DONT.
25.. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's, hers are fake just remember that. (U have a better shot at ours than you ever will with hers, you may as well give it up now)
26.. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27.. We are beautiful at all times.
28.. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we aren't.
29.. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why the hell can't you piss in the toilet and not on it.
30.. Most importantly: we are always right; so don't forget it.

Angel

05-13-2006, 03:42 PM

Just for you Rupert!!

George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.

4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

5. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

6. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

7. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.

8. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

9. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.

10. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And
it translates to "beef with broccoli". The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

11. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

12. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

13. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

14. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

15. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

16. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Angel

05-14-2006, 12:23 PM

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 -
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to
where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of homeland security.

Rupert

05-14-2006, 12:46 PM

The only problem there is making all the terrorists and illegal immigrants spotted black and white and move really slowly in large groups.

Rupert

05-15-2006, 08:56 AM

Someone sent this to me:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE

CrossBones

05-15-2006, 09:04 AM

LOL > Rupert. :D

LOL > Angel :D

You guys are keeping things sane!

Angel

05-15-2006, 06:36 PM

LOL > Rupert. :D

LOL > Angel :D

You guys are keeping things sane!
Sane?? Really??? :p

Angel

05-15-2006, 06:37 PM

You Know You’re From Texas if…

1. It’s illegal to have a tattoo until you’re 18, but children of all ages can play with guns
2. You don’t think it’s weird to drink a beer at anytime in the day, even morning
3. You think it is weird not to drink beer
4. You can drive all day and still not leave the state
5. The confederate flag is still flown at your high school, your team is even named after it
6. You shop at HEB
7. The town you live in is bigger than Rhode Island
8. When asking for a soda, you don’t say, “pop”, but “coke”
9. You see more trucks on your daily commute then you’ll see in the state of New Jersey
10. Your high school football stadium is equal to or better than most professional stadiums
11. You know there are more Longhorn, cattle, and steer then there are people in the state
12. We don’t have an ocean; we have a gulf
13. You know what SwishaHouse is
14. You know someone whose name is Pedro or Martín
15. Their last name is Garcia, Martinez, or Rodriguez
16. You eat tacos for breakfast
17 You think Dr. Pepper is the best damn coke in the world
18. The extensions of the index and pinky fingers make the best hand gesture besides the shocker
19. The best parties are on at least 2 acres of land
20. You can go anywhere with a gun in your truck and no one thinks twice about it
21. You know someone with a gun related injury
22. Getting stuck in the mud is a challenge, not an avoidance
23. The hottest girls live in Austin (ATX BABY!)
24. We panic when there is an inch of snow on the ground
25. Air Conditioning is standard on every car sold here
26. Nothing beats hot, wet brisket
27. Who? Mike Jones!
28. You’re ashamed of Vinny Yestaverde and Bill Parcells
29. You know what happens to the UT Tower when we win a game
30. You have said, “I’ve never met a Jewish person before”
31. Italians are rarities here. Ladies, if you meet one, be honored and turned on, we’re badass!
32. OU fucking sucks!

Angel

05-16-2006, 09:17 AM

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old!

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female

Rupert

05-16-2006, 09:54 AM

"Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions.

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were gett ing born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work &work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

Angel

05-17-2006, 12:02 PM

Ahaha Rupert.....I posted the exact same thing on another board!! :p Kids say the funniest things!! :)

Angel

05-17-2006, 12:04 PM

Things that piss me off!!!

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dick nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What? Are they going to fucking do something that's longer?

When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's on god damn piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CrossBones

05-17-2006, 12:09 PM

[B]Things that piss me off!!!

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.I'm not sure I know how to change the channel "manually"...

Rupert

05-17-2006, 01:57 PM

Dude! On DirecTV, changing the channel manually is a royal pain in the ass. Want to go from channel 307 to 04. Oh are you screwed! You're right in the damned middle. Scroll up through 100 channels or down through 100, either way you're going to get a permanent indent in your finger before you're done.

Angel

05-19-2006, 11:25 AM

I'm not sure I know how to change the channel "manually"...
:p Lazy Bones!!

Angel

05-19-2006, 11:26 AM

Angel

05-19-2006, 11:27 AM

This is all about comparing fathers of times past, and the fathers of today...

Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.

In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."

In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.

In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.

In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suitors with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"

In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
Today, fathers are never truly appreciated.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Angel

05-19-2006, 11:29 AM

And to make up for missing yesterday......:p

I Owe My Mother :

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall Out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother ta ught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Rupert

05-19-2006, 12:08 PM

Not you too Rupert!!! :eek:
Whaddaya mean me too. Maybe you've got a magic DirecTV box, mine would be right at home on Gilligan's Island, they're "as primitive as can be." :p

Angel

05-20-2006, 02:50 PM

Whaddaya mean me too. Maybe you've got a magic DirecTV box, mine would be right at home on Gilligan's Island, they're "as primitive as can be." :p
I don't have DirectTv......I have Dish Network....and yeah, OK....I'd be lost without my remote!! :p

Angel

05-20-2006, 02:52 PM

"The pharmacist just insulted me" the woman sobbed to her husband. Upset, he jumped into his car and sped to the store to defend his wife.
"Listen to my side!" the pharmacist pleaded. "First my alarm didn't go off and I overslept. Rushing out, I locked both my house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get them. Then I got a flat tire."
"When I finally got behind the counter, there was a long line and the phone ringing. After bending to pick up a roll of nickels, I cracked my head on a drawer and fell backward, shattering the perfume case. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing. I picked up and your wife asked me how to use a rectal thermometer. I swear, all I did was tell her."

CrossBones

05-20-2006, 04:13 PM

Whaddaya mean me too. Maybe you've got a magic DirecTV box, mine would be right at home on Gilligan's Island, they're "as primitive as can be." :pGawd is that the truth. They surely weren 't produced in this century.

CrossBones

05-20-2006, 04:14 PM

Rupert

05-20-2006, 05:44 PM

Good one Angel.

Angel

05-21-2006, 01:12 PM

Glad you liked it!! :)

Top signs you've had too much of the 90's...

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.

You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.

You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.

You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.

You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.

You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Angel

05-22-2006, 01:36 PM

An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, baling hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Angel

05-22-2006, 01:40 PM

Letter to My Pets:

When I ask you to move, it means to go someplace else, not to
switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my
way.

The dishes with the paw print are *yours* and contain *your* food.
All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing
your paw print in the middle of MY plate and MY food does not stake
a claim making it YOUR plate and food.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your
quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are actually supposed to curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is ! not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Honest.

Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time --
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following notice on

our front door:

* Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets*

1. The pets live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes! , stay off
the furniture. (That's why it's called "fur"niture.)

3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an
adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.

4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:

---- they don't ask for money

---- they are easier to train

---- they come when called

---- they don't hang out with drug-using friends

---- they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education,

and

---- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children for a profit!

Angel

05-23-2006, 06:50 AM

This actually seems to relate more to Kansas, than Missouri......we're not that snobby here!! :p Still, it was funny to read! :)

A message from Kansas and Missouri

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross the states of Kansas or Missouri, the Kansas and Missouri Tourism Council has adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter either State:

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym. How'd you like to go home and tell your mama you got your butt kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it, or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women, will get your butt kicked.....by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for......bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're not impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like it. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes 2 ways--Interstate 35 goes the other 2. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "opener" refers to the first day of Pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Second Saturday to the end of November. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot---his name is "Sir"....no matter how old he is!!

Now enjoy your visit and then go home...ASAP!!

Angel

05-24-2006, 08:22 AM

This should get it done

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting
unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These South Carolina, Kentucky, Virginia, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri,
Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into
Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rupert

05-24-2006, 08:49 AM

You know, until #5 I didn't see the USRSF gettin' much done. But when I read #5, I knew they wouldn't stop until they'd all been cleared out.

Angel

05-24-2006, 09:18 AM

You know, until #5 I didn't see the USRSF gettin' much done. But when I read #5, I knew they wouldn't stop until they'd all been cleared out.
You got that right!! :p

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"

Angel

05-25-2006, 08:01 AM

You know you're addicted to Wrestling......

When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you start a "USA! USA!" chant.

When you search & search the bible for the book of Austin.

If you can actually remember Sting's last public words

If on a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown"

When you're getting beat up in a bar fight, but you honestly believe that with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing around.

When you won't leave the bathroom until they play your theme music.

If you hit your co-worker in head with a chair while your manager is distracting him.

When you look for Sting on the back of the milk carton during breakfast.

When you attend a graduation, and yell "Ooooooh yeah!" when 'Pomp and Circumstance' plays.

When you go to a dance and start dancing like Alex Wright.

You watch car racing in order to see Bob "sparkplug" Holly

When you try to put your kids to bed with a sleeper hold.

When you wear your Macho Man foam hat out in public

When you win an award and immediately spray paint "nWo" on it.

When you rate women on a scale of Chyna to Sunny.

When you begin to shake someone's hand in public but then hesitate to look for the crowd's response.

If whenever you walk into a party you tell them to "cut the music"

When you die you moustache blond while leaving your beard black.

If you keep waiting for run-ins during boxing matches

After an argument with a friend, you shake hands, hug each other and then after you raise both yours and your friend's arms in the air, as he looks to the side, you clothesline him.

If you carry a foreign object in your underwear.

When you go into work you insult everyone you see just to draw heat.

If you're a Honky Tonk Man impersonator instead of an Elvis impersonator.

If you wore spiked shoulder pads during a football game

If you loose a job, you change your look and name before starting a new one.

When you are working for that other company, your old boss is constantly badmouthing you to customers.

If you find out that you have been fired by calling up the company's hotline.

When before a fight, you give away a pair of sunglasses to a kid

When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to "Rest In Peace"

When you go to a funeral and assume that the deceased just lost a Casket Match

When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.

If you walk into church and slap people's hands in the pews while walking down the aisle.

If you paint your face and don't speak to your co-workers

If you get into an argument with a friend at work and challenge him to a loser must retire match.

When you see a fight in the streets and call the moves.

If at a ceremony at your work to give out awards to the employee of the year, you "turn" and slam a chair across the recipient of the award's head... then you immediately grab the mic and start talking about how YOU deserved the award.

When you keep flour in your underpants (just in case).

If you wondered why Vince didn't borrow money from Ted DiBiase to prevent WCW from "buying"it's wrestlers

Rupert

05-25-2006, 02:49 PM

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line...just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar of yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too".

CrossBones

05-25-2006, 03:38 PM

Angel

05-26-2006, 07:59 AM

That was great Rupert!! :)

After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to spring and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine:
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine:
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!!!

Rupert

05-26-2006, 08:45 PM

Angel

05-27-2006, 10:19 AM

Rupert doing a George Carlin impression:

I was driving on the freeway today when I saw some guy with "COWBOY UP!" on the back window of his pickup truck.

Does cowboy up follow, cowboy in? He shoots, he soils!

Now maybe it's because I'm not a Red Sox fan, and maybe it's because I'm not gay, but after Brokeback Mountain I'd have taken it off.
Jeez Rupert I dated a cowboy last year for a couple months....but after Brokeback Mountain, doubt if I'd take that chance again.....damn movie has ruined the cowboy image forever!! :p

Angel

05-27-2006, 10:20 AM

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING "WHAT'S WRONG?".....

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CrossBones

05-27-2006, 01:00 PM

Well about 99.9999% of that is TRUE! :)

Rupert

05-27-2006, 09:33 PM

Yep. I'd have to agree.

Rupert

05-27-2006, 09:34 PM

Jeez Rupert I dated a cowboy last year for a couple months....but after Brokeback Mountain, doubt if I'd take that chance again.....damn movie has ruined the cowboy image forever!! :p
Was "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" on the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack album?

Angel

05-28-2006, 11:34 AM

Yeah.....unfortunately :p

Signs that you are too drunk would be...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rupert

05-28-2006, 03:28 PM

Oh, you gotta be kiddin me. It seriously is! :eek: I always thought that song had gay overtones.

Angel

05-29-2006, 07:07 AM

Oh, you gotta be kiddin me. It seriously is! :eek: I always thought that song had gay overtones.
Ahaha......the original saying was "save a horse....ride a cowgirl" so yeah.....someone really screwed it up for that god-awful song and movie both :eek:

Angel

05-29-2006, 07:10 AM

Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby was a man?

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rupert

05-29-2006, 10:36 AM

Ahhh, a nice, expensive present and a delicious meal. I think I'd have to go to Brokeback Mountain for those. I'll settle for paying for another pair of shoes and reheated leftovers.

Angel

05-30-2006, 08:30 AM

Jokes for all Raider fans to love! :p

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in San Diego and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Chargers fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Charger fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

Because I'm not a Chargers fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Chargers fan, then who do you support?"

"I'm a Bronco fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Bronco fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are from Denver and my mom is a Bronco fan and my dad is a Bronco fan, so I'm a Bronco fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, that's no reason for you to be a Bronco fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a Raiders fan."
=====
Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles (120 km) an hour, and he send another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself, "He has the perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."

"I don't want to talk to you, " the old woman says, "You deserted us. You're not my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother." the young man pleads, "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight..."

The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"

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Rupert

05-30-2006, 10:36 AM

This one started as a military joke:

This kid is in an airport bathroom taking a pee at the urinal. He looks over at a guy wearing a 49ers hat next to him and says, "Wow! You've got a big wiener."

The guy says, "Thanks kid. Want to wear my hat?" And he puts his baseball cap on the kid.

A guy wearing a Raiders hat walks in and stands at the stall next to the kid. And sure enough the kid looks over. "Wow! You've got a big wiener."

The guys says, "Thanks kid. Wanna suck it?"

The kid says, "I'm not a niners fan, I'm just wearing his hat."

Angel

05-31-2006, 10:25 AM

Angel

05-31-2006, 10:29 AM

If you're stressed, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others...

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?

3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

7. Do I look like a fucking people person?

8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

12. You! Off my planet!

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

22. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.

25. Allow me to introduce my selves.

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

28. Better living through denial.

29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

61. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!

62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

63. Earth is full. Go home.

64. Is it time for your medication or mine?

65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

67. I plead contemporary insanity.

68. And which dwarf are you?

69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Angel

06-01-2006, 04:34 PM

Have you ever stopped to think whether the inanimate things around us also have genders? Believe it or not, they do! Check out these things we use in our daily lives, who would have though!?!

Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons Are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A hot air balloon is male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A web page is female, because it's always getting hit on.

A subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A hammer is male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps! trying!

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CrossBones

06-01-2006, 04:55 PM

Angel..you and AP are incredible...where do you find this stuff! :confused:

Angel

06-03-2006, 10:28 AM

Angel..you and AP are incredible...where do you find this stuff! :confused:
Well I used to email jokes daily to friends.....and I saved a lot of the best ones :) But I also go to some joke sites.....just to make you guys laugh!! :p

Angel

06-03-2006, 10:29 AM

Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

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Angel

06-04-2006, 12:09 PM

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

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TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

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TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

Angel

06-05-2006, 03:12 PM

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

Rupert

06-05-2006, 03:40 PM

Ahh, Angel, an oldie, but a goodie.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Angel

06-05-2006, 09:45 PM

Ahaha Rupert .....Good one!!

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Angel

06-06-2006, 10:29 AM

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
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Angel

06-06-2006, 10:30 AM

Flaming projectile gerbil--Actual article from the LA Times

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." - Good start.

10. "As usual,Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" - They do this frequently? (Or, at least they have done this more than once).

9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out out the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...

Angel

06-07-2006, 09:08 AM

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously," What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures, and suck 'em dry".

Angel

06-08-2006, 01:39 PM

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

Angel

06-09-2006, 12:51 PM

Sometime you might want to change locations. Here are some tips:

You can live in Texas where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found a shady spot.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

4. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot and really, really hot..

----------------

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.........

1. You can drive 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

2. You'll find out that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open up the oven.

3. The four seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot and "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

--------------------------

You can Live in California where...

1. Someone can make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You'll learn how to eat an artichoke.

4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

--------------------------------

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3.You think Central Park is "nature,"

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

-----------------------------

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and mustard.

.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter and construction.

---------------------------

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

------------

You can live in Colorado where..

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. Your neighbor tells her husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

---------------------------

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You'll never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

----------------------

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. And a superb plastic surgeon.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds.

Angel

06-10-2006, 11:39 AM

Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson

Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.

Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.

Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance.

Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.

She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization.

He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen up his image.

Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation.

Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.

The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with.

She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace.

Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't have kids THEY could marry.

Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.

She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.

He told her to "just beat it" one too many times.

He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone "Hollywood".

She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.

He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.

Irreconcilable similarities.

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Angel

06-11-2006, 06:26 PM

Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Rupert

06-12-2006, 10:02 AM

If God had trouble raising children, (Adam and Eve wouldn't listen about the apple) what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

Angel

06-12-2006, 06:10 PM

Angel

06-12-2006, 06:13 PM

Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rupert

06-12-2006, 06:27 PM

I screen all my calls, if it isn't someone I know, I don't answer. Telemarketers. Those bastards have called me when I'm sitting down to eat.

Angel

06-12-2006, 10:32 PM

I screen all my calls, if it isn't someone I know, I don't answer. Telemarketers. Those bastards have called me when I'm sitting down to eat.
I used to screen my calls, but that's such a pain.....I just hang up on them now!! :p

Angel

06-14-2006, 10:21 AM

Living too far North when......

You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You have 10 favourite recipes for elk, moose or deer meat.

You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is three feet above the ground.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

You think everyone from the city has an accent.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't come up on your deck.

There is only one shopping plaza in town.

You find -40C a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

There are two seasons: Liquid and Solid

Nine months of winter and three months of rough sledding.

Six inches of snow is still considered a heavy frost.

Angel

06-15-2006, 12:55 PM

Tomorrow I will do the housework, NO EXCUSES!!! (unless they're good ones)

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!

3. The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.

4. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

5. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

7. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

8. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

10. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

11. Simplify... hire a maid.

12: My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

13. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

14. I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

15. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

16. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

17. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

CrossBones

06-15-2006, 02:37 PM

LOL Angel...is all that true?

Angel

06-16-2006, 11:24 AM

Well....I'm not real good at dusting....:eek: But I certainly don't weigh anywhere near what the fridge does....I only weigh 90 lbs. Bones!! :)

Angel

06-16-2006, 11:27 AM

These are actual stories from travel agents about their moronic customers...

Someone ask for an aisle seat so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (probably blonde)

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to Save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know Which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

Angel

06-17-2006, 12:12 PM

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Angel

06-18-2006, 06:11 PM

Home Remedies -------------------------

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Angel

06-19-2006, 07:33 AM

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Angel

06-19-2006, 07:48 PM

You're living in 2006 when:

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Angel

06-20-2006, 08:57 AM

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:......

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and t o have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

Angel

06-21-2006, 08:17 AM

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.

"Go get help." he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

Angel

06-23-2006, 08:19 AM

This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" The guy asks. "Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" He says, "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.

"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What?" says the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" Asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says, "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down..."

The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the parrot, "I fell off my perch."

Angel

06-24-2006, 10:35 AM

Murphy's Sex Laws

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. “This won’t hurt, I promise,”

Angel

06-25-2006, 08:08 PM

The Doctor Says:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
First I have to check my malpractice insurance.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
(Proctologist also say this a lot.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a 40% interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune.

"How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit through their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
I can't remember your name, nor why you are here.

"This should fix you up."
The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.

"Everything seems to be normal."
I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

"Why don't you slip out of your things."
I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rupert

06-26-2006, 09:37 AM

A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on the plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.

"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know, "says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, "How about nuclear proliferation?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first -- horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff-- grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know shit?"

Angel

06-26-2006, 02:00 PM

This is the biggest collection, of the world's biggest lies ever told...

The check is in the mail.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

It's only a cold sore.

You get this one, I'll pay next time.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Trust me, I'll take care of everything.

Of course I love you.

I am getting a divorce.

Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

I never inhaled.

It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

I never watch television except for PBS.

...but we can still be good friends.

She means nothing to me.

Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

I gave at the office.

Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

I'll call you later.

We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.

Read my lips: no new taxes.

I've never done anything like this before.

Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.

It's supposed to make that noise.

I *love* your new _____!

...then take a left. You can't miss it.

Yes, I did.

Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.

Angel

06-27-2006, 04:39 AM

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time?!)

Angel

06-28-2006, 08:43 AM

Fun things for Non-Christians to do in church...

Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."

Put stray dogs in coat closets.

Un-tune the piano.

Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".

Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.

Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"

Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.

Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher:"Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"

Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.

Start a wave.

Do cool things with the lighting.

When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".

Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.

When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"

Make up your own words to the songs.

Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.

Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.

If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT FUCKING THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"

Dress all in black, or in camo.

Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two.

Change sets for the evening service.

If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.

At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.

Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.

Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.

Inflate balloons, then send them off.

Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.

Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.

Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.

Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.

During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."

Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.

Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.

Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.

When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.

Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me" and lick them.

Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"

Blow bubbles.

Fake a possession.

Distribute condoms.

Speak in tongues.

Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

Drool in the collection plate.

Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.

After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.

Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".

At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.

Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.

Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"

Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight

Angel

06-29-2006, 10:37 AM

So, how do you tell if your throwing a successful, kick-ass, party? Just take this quick and simple quiz to find out!

Festivity Level One

Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.

Festivity Level Two

Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."

Festivity Level Three

Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction".

Festivity Level Four

Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing. Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation.

Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."

You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"

Police: "No, sir, not drugs."

You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"

Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."

You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs here, heh heh."

[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"

Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Kansas."

[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]

You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."

Angel

06-30-2006, 09:25 AM

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Angel

07-01-2006, 07:33 AM

Horoscopes:

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a
mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.

SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered •••• and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Angel

07-02-2006, 08:00 AM

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't
need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life
out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

( I love this )

"Get your own dirt."

CrossBones

07-02-2006, 08:10 AM

LOL Angel.

Angel

07-02-2006, 04:18 PM

Gee Bones, I was beginning to wonder if anyone even read the jokes anymore!! :)

Angel

07-02-2006, 04:19 PM

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

Angry Pope

07-02-2006, 05:04 PM

I like reading these...nice.

CrossBones

07-02-2006, 05:30 PM

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom.":eek:.....

Rupert

07-02-2006, 11:44 PM

I'd have gagged, maybe even dry heaved.

Angel

07-03-2006, 09:12 AM

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

Angel

07-04-2006, 08:05 AM

Manisms

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". (e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

Angel

07-05-2006, 10:49 AM

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!"

Rupert

07-05-2006, 06:25 PM

Angel: You missed a couple of those manisms:

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

Angel

07-06-2006, 09:37 AM

Sorry Rupert :(

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Rupert

07-06-2006, 11:32 AM

Ooops. :eek: Teaches her for being so smart. :cool:

Angel

07-07-2006, 10:22 AM

What Shakespeare Really Meant

William Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English. It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.

Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would you explain that Pamela Anderson video?

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.

Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will...get over it.

Rupert

07-07-2006, 10:58 AM

The wisdom of Will. :p

Angel

07-08-2006, 08:19 AM

Dogs vs. People

You just can't beat a dog. Maybe we should rephrase that. We love dogs. In fact, the more people we meet, the more we love dogs. Here are some reasons they're so great.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't brag about who they've slept with.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you—except fetch. And dogs never laugh at how you throw.

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing members of their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends can't come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited when you play rough.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never insist on talking about your relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

Dogs never worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

You never have to wait for a dog. They are ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot rubs.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

CrossBones

07-08-2006, 08:38 AM

"Dogs understand what "no" means."...

Not my dog!

Angel

07-09-2006, 10:12 AM

"Dogs understand what "no" means."...

Not my dog!
Ah, did you tell him NO and thump his nose?? :p

Higher education is a wonderful thing. Sadly, most colleges don't offer the kind of real-world courses we'd like to see. Here then are college courses we'd like to see, broken down by gender, just for the heck of it.

Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? You CAN Tell the Difference!

If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore

Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels

Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper

Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

Retro or Just Hideous? Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware

Romance: More Than a Cable Channel

Bathroom Accuracy 101

Strange But True: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category

Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

Be the First Man to Say These Three Words: "I Don't Know"

Changing Your Underwear—It Really Works

The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty Means Empty

Directions: It's Still Okay to Ask for Them

Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

PMS: Learning to Keep Your Mouth Shut

Understanding the Female Response to Coming in Drunk at 4:00 A.M.

Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception

Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

How to Stay Awake After Sex

Garbage: Getting It to the Curb

Helpful Posture Hints for the Couch Potato

How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

Parties: Going Without New Outfits

Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet, Too

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His

Communication Skills I: Tears, the Last Resort, Not the First

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share

Telephone Skills: How to Stop Talking and Hang Up

Introduction to Parking

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor

Water Retention: Fact or Fat

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption

Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

TV Remotes: For Men Only

Emotions: Men Have Them, Too

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

Ballet: For Women Only

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges

Angel

07-10-2006, 11:30 AM

Here's what we've learned from "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Stay away from kids trying to hit a piñata.

If you're wearing a wedding dress, never try to ride a horse.

An acronym doesn't always have to contain a letter for each word in the thing for which it is an acronym.

Grandpa's pants are, in all likelihood, ill-fitting.

Homemade bike ramps should only be used by, well, nobody.

Babies sometimes fall asleep while sitting up.

Many beams are lower than you'd think.

If you touch a dog in a certain place, they bare their teeth and growl in an amusing way.

People are sometimes startled when they're woken up from a nap by loud noises.

If you shoot enough video, somebody, somewhere is eventually going to make a basket from half-court.

The tree you cut down is going to fall in a direction you didn't expect.

Before using a barbell, make sure the weights are secured on both sides.

Kids getting hit in the face, not funny. Kids getting hit in the face on video, funny.

Noses and parrots are natural enemies. Same goes for lizards.

Children aren't always respectful when it comes to not pulling off a relative's toupee at a family gathering.

Most swings have weight limits that are less than you'd suspect.

Cats can be clumsy, especially when they're around TVs.

Many people think you'll call your significant other the wrong name during the heat of passion, but we all know it will probably happen during your wedding ceremony.

Baseballs like testicles.

When it comes to backyard trampolines, "What goes up, must end up with a contusion."

Llamas spitting is not an urban myth.

The walls of many aboveground swimming pools appear to be made of a material similar to rice paper.

The false teeth of many elderly people aren't affixed properly.

Birthday cakes and wobbly tables don't mix. It should also be noted that birthday cakes have the inexplicable ability to attract the human face like a magnet.

Pets don't really talk, but sometimes it sounds like it.

Nothing good can come from pogo sticks.

Lifting someone over your head while dancing intoxicated could lead to an unfortunate, albeit humorous, accident.

Many Christmas trees stands aren't made to withstand the weight of the tree and a person.

Everything, yes everything, is funnier when accompanied by a wacky sound effect.

Any host of "America's Funniest Home Videos" is likely to be the most bland, unfunny individual ever to appear on television.

Angel

07-11-2006, 10:03 AM

Time. What a bastard. Let's face it, we're all going to grow old. But how do we know when we've arrived? We're here to help. You know you're getting old when...

Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You're proud of your lawn mower.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

You're asleep, but others worry you're dead.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You learn where your prostate is.

People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer questions with, "Because I said so!"

You know what the word "equity" means.

Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.

The fire department is asked to attend your birthday party in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.

Medicare says you're too old for their coverage.

You can't be tried by a jury of your peers because there are none.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don't want you behind the wheel.

Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.

A passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You are often asked to give a personal account of the story of creation.

You wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

You don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

The clothes you've put away until they come back in style have come back in style.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

Angel

07-12-2006, 12:39 PM

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25
years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed
and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night
with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big
bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It
seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa
bed...

CrossBones

07-12-2006, 12:43 PM

Rupert

07-12-2006, 02:15 PM

:eek: ... see how you women think?
It's in those magazines at the Supermarket. "How to make you're man fall to pieces." The guys all think it's about some new bedroom trick, but it's really about how to get more than half of the financials. :eek:

That's why I enjoyed Nich Lachey suing for alimony (or whatever he did). He was the under-earning part of that duo, now he wants his.

Angel

07-13-2006, 11:32 AM

:eek: ... see how you women think?
Ahaha...well see...if you guys didn't think the way that you do, we wouldn't think the way that we do ;)

Angel

07-13-2006, 11:34 AM

EVER DONE THAT
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to make love. When they were finished, she discovered there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Well, I masturbated with them." Later, she approached one of her male friends and told him the story. She asked, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

A PILL A DAY
Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life." She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives." He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"

WEDDING BAND
Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He replied, "It cuts off my circulation." She answered back, "It's supposed to!"

GASPING
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

WILD LIFE
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet up. The bear says, "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear." The lion says, "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me." "Big deal!'' says the chicken. "All I have to do is cough, and the entire planet craps itself."

AT THE DOOR
One day, a woman's doorbell rang. The weather was very bad. The woman opened the door, and there stood a young girl, a Jehovah's Witness, soaking wet. The woman felt sorry for her, so she asked the young woman into the house for a cup of coffee and to dry off. The woman wanted to make conversation as the two drank their hot chocolate, so she asked the Jehovah's Witness, "So, what's the message you're passing along?'" The girl stuttered and said, "I'm not sure. I never got this far."

KILLING THEIR MATES
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

TWO PATIENTS
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The second patient sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits six weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for three months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first is a golden retriever. The second is a senior citizen.

LONG FACE
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?" The horse says, "My wife just died."

REDNECK DEFENSE
Q: What's the most commonly heard redneck defense in court?
A: "Honest, your honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

WOODEN LEG
A guy is driving through the countryside and suddenly develops car trouble. The highway is rather deserted, and having no other choice, he pulls his car over. Fortunately, he spies a farmhouse a little ways up and walks there in hope of using a phone to call for help. At the house, a farmer answers the door, and hearing the man's plight, welcomes him in to use the phone. While the man is on the phone calling a towing service, he notices something odd in the farmer's backyard: a pig with a wooden leg. Waiting for the tow truck, the two strike up a conversation. The man can't help his curiosity and asks the farmer, "Was that a pig with a wooden leg I saw in your yard?" "Sure was," the farmer replies. The man says, "I have to know, why does the pig have a wooden leg?" "Well, that's a very special pig," the farmer says. "One day, I tripped and sprained my ankle near the highway. That pig pulled me from harm's way and went to the house, got my wife, and let her know I was in trouble." "Wow," the man said. "I don't know of many dogs that could do that. That is a special pig. But, please tell me, why does the pig have a wooden leg?" "Well, as I was saying," the farmer replied, "that's a very special pig. One day me and the wife were asleep in bed when the house caught on fire. That pig ran upstairs, jumped on the bed, woke the both of us up, and sure as I'm talking to you today, saved our lives." "I understand that pig is very special," the man says, getting a little frustrated, "But, please tell me. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?" "Well," the farmer replies, "a pig as special as that, you wouldn't want to eat him all at once now, would you?"

ROOT CANAL
A man went to the dentist because his tooth was hurting. The dentist told him after the examination that he needed a root canal. The man replied, "O.K. lets do it." The dentist told him he will feel a pinch when he gives him the shot of the numbing agent. The man says, "No, Doc, I am allergic to that." The doctor tells him, "O.K., then, we'll give you nitrous oxide." The man says, "I am allergic to the gas." So, then the doctor gives him two pills with a glass of water and the man takes it. The doctor comes back in 10 minutes and the man says, "Doc, will those two blue pills kill the pain?" The doctor replies, "No, that was Viagra." The man says, "Viagra? I don't need that! What's that going to do for me?" The doctor replies, "Well, it'll give you something to hang onto."

IN PAIN
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

MARRIED OR DIVORCED
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."

NUMBERS
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says the little boy.

IN A HURRY
A woman rushes into the lobby of a large hotel and sprints up to the reception desk. Seeing that the only member of staff is talking on the phone, she hammers on the bell for service. The man at the desk slowly puts down the phone. "Yes?" he says, annoyed. "Excuse me," says the woman, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk stares at her for a second and looks her up and down. "Not bad," he smiles. "Not bad at all."

SWEARING
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. "Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?" "My daddy said it," he responded. "Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means." "I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

Rupert

07-13-2006, 11:50 AM

Ahaha...well see...if you guys didn't think the way that you do, we wouldn't think the way that we do ;)
Really! :rolleyes:

Angel

07-14-2006, 08:39 AM

Really! :rolleyes:
Yeah...really!! :p

Angel

07-14-2006, 08:49 AM

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting
nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take
this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry.

The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Angel

07-15-2006, 09:59 AM

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses ........................ until they stop running.

2. Strike while the ........................ bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before ........................ Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of .......................termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ....................... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that ....................... looks dirty.

7. No news is ........................ impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ....................... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ....................... math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .......................stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ....................... me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ....................... pigs.

13. An idle mind is ....................... the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ........................pollution.

15. Happy the bride who ....................... gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ....................... not much.

17. Two's company, three's ....................... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you ........................put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......................... you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ....................... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ........................spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed ........................ get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you........................see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ........................ get out of the way.

~ And the WINNER .... and last one!

25. Better late than ........................ pregnant.

Angel

07-16-2006, 08:47 AM

Its amazing what effect temperature has on things...

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe).

50 Miami residents turn on the heat.

40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.

35 Italian cars don't start.

32 Water freezes.

30 You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on T-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. British cars don't start.

25 Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.

20 You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south.

15 French cars don't start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

10 Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5 You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts. Too cold to skate.

-10 German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.

-25 Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 You plan a two week hot bath. The Mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don't start.

-40 Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50 Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 Hell freezes over Polar bears move south.

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Angel

07-17-2006, 01:39 PM

Job Descriptions:

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.

7. A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.

8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

10. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Angel

07-18-2006, 09:57 AM

Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this.

Angel

07-19-2006, 02:20 PM

The Cynic's Guide to Life

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the 'thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge' group.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives say over.

Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Angel

07-20-2006, 08:32 AM

Business Rules:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CrossBones

07-20-2006, 02:02 PM

Classic Angel... :D

Rupert

07-20-2006, 04:56 PM

I used that clipboard thing once or twice in the Army.

Angel

07-21-2006, 09:57 AM

One Liners:

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.

I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.

Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

He who hesitates is boss.

As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never

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Angel

07-22-2006, 09:06 AM

President George W. Bush Quotes of Stupidity

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

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George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit; he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy and corporations over the rights and needs of the population; he has destroyed trust and confidence in, and good will toward, the United States around the globe; he has ignored global warming, to the world's detriment; he has wantonly broken our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners; he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States; he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital national importance.

Now, would someone please give him a blow job so we can impeach him?

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The Pope visits Washington and President Bush takes him for a ride down the Potomac on the presidential yacht. They're enjoying themselves when a gust of wind blows the Pope's hat (zucchetto) off and out onto the water. The Secret Service begins to launch a boat but Bush waves them off saying, "Wait. I'll take care of this."

Bush steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water, walks out a ways and picks up the hat. Back on board, he hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the Washington Post carries the story complete with photos under the heading BUSH CAN'T SWIM.

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The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him"). Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease.

Cognitive symptoms of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not limited to: Anti-social personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only few years ago in a Texas Bush.

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Angel

07-23-2006, 09:08 PM

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put the words "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" on her left thigh just below the bikini line.

So the guy does that one and it turns out pretty good as well.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She replies, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

CrossBones

07-23-2006, 09:24 PM

Bwahahahaha...Angel is so creative. :p

Angel

07-24-2006, 12:01 PM

A man walks into a bar carrying three ducks under his arms. The bartender has learned not to question people when they bring animals into the bar. So the man sits down and starts to drink. After a while the man gets up and walks to the bathroom. When the man leaves the bartender looks at the ducks and starts to talk to them.

"So what are your names?"

The first duck responds, "My name is Hewi."

So then the bartender goes, "And how was your day?"

The first ducks says, "Great! I was in and out of puddles all day long."

So the bartender goes to the second duck and asks, "What's your name?"

The second duck says, "My name is Dewi."

Again the bartender asks, "And how was your day?"

The duck responds, "Great! I was in and out of puddles all day."

So the bartender goes to the third duck and goes, "Your name must be Loui then."

"No," replies the duck. "I'm Puddles and don't ask about my fucking day."

Angel

07-25-2006, 08:39 AM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Angel

07-26-2006, 11:31 AM

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline:" Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend from Jaws of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began: "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responded.

The reporter said, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like?"

"I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush," the boy said.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Angel

07-29-2006, 09:39 AM

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

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Angel

07-30-2006, 11:55 AM

Tips on Love from Kids

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
(Judy,8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
(Tom,5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
(Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
(Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine,9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
(Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."
(Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
(Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me."
(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
(John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire."
(Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
(Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."
(Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
(Randy, 8)

Angel

07-31-2006, 06:05 AM

MEN ARE LIKE...

Men are like newborn babies.
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like coffee.
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.

Men are like computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like power tools.
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like remote controls.
Simple. Easy to use. And can usually be found lying around a TV.

Men are like shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like vacuum cleaners.
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Men are like road kill.
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like soap operas.
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like pillows.
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like old car tires.
Balding, full of hot air and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like plastic wrap.
Cheap, clingy and very easy to see through.

Men are like horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

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Angel

08-02-2006, 11:30 AM

Excerpts from Welfare Applications

The following are excerpts collected from letters from people applying for payments from a state welfare agency.

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born.

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children I have on half a sheet of paper.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks now and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
I am writing to say that my baby was born two years old, when do I get my money.

This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?

Please send me money at once since I have fallen into error with my landlord.

I have no children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night.

Angel

08-03-2006, 09:23 AM

SIGNS YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE '90s

You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready.

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her Web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you have yet to speak to your next door neighbor.

You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox, asking you to send her a .jpeg of your newborn so she can create a screensaver.

You receive a well-deserved 10% raise. You report the good news to your family. Your daughter replies that her boyfriend, who is 21 and works for an Internet company, was just granted options currently worth $6 million.

The good news: your daughter is awarded a prestigious summer internship. The bad news: it's at the White House.

Your husband is diagnosed with Carpel Tunnel Syndrome. The doctor urges that the TV remote be hidden.

You are invited by friends to a bottled water tasting.

You find, as you surf through ebay, that your wife is in the process of auctioning off your golf clubs.

CrossBones

08-03-2006, 09:54 AM

True. So true. Times have changed!

Angel

08-04-2006, 09:45 AM

Children's Letters to God

Kids are funny. And not just when they get foreign objects stuck in their noses. Check out these endearing letters to the Big Guy.

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?
Jane

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear God,
Went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him in anyway.
Your Friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
Sam

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.
Rob

Dear God,
My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they?
Marsha

Dear God,
If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.
Charles

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Eugene

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry

Angel

08-05-2006, 09:07 AM

WELL-HUNG
Q: How can you tell if a man is well-hung?
A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.

FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS
A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

ROVER
A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink. "I'll have a bourbon and Coke!" The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?" "I'll have a Scotch and soda, light on the soda," says Rover. The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "That dog can't talk. You're a ventriloquist!" "No, Rover can really talk. While I'm in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself, but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog." The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone. "Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight. "Well, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper." "Let's go look for him," said the man. The two went to the drugstore, but no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets, no dog. Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away. Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "Why are you doing this, Rover? You've never done this before!" Rover replies, "First time I ever had any money!"

TWINS
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?" "No," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe you got laid twice."

GOOD READING
Q. Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy and Penthouse?
A. It improves hand-eye coordination.

THE SMART LOAN
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?" The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15?"

EGGS
Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

CrossBones

08-06-2006, 07:09 AM

The official "Sexual Harassment" video...

Here you are (http://www.flurl.com/item/Sexual_Harassment_And_You_f_2194/).

Angel

08-06-2006, 08:06 AM

LOL Bones!!

HERMAPHRODITE
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterward, the doctor comes in. He says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, doctor?" The doctor says, "Well now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite? What's that?" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the features of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh, my god! You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"

THE DIFFERENCE
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

50 AND 50
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: One hundred people who don't do dick.

SPANISH CLASS
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House," for instance, is feminine, "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine, "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because: 1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic, 2) The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else, 3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval, and 4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("El computador"), because: 1) In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on, 2) They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves, 3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and 4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. Note: The women won.

MAKE LOVE TO ME
A woman was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in and she says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." The husband, thinking it's his lucky day, makes love to her on the kitchen table. Afterward he says, "What was that all about?" She says, "The egg timer's broken!"

PERFECT WIFE
Q: What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A: A rich, mute, nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store.

NOT ALL THAT BAD
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!" "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget." "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!" "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife. "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

Angel

08-08-2006, 05:40 AM

DMV
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Angel

08-09-2006, 09:00 AM

LIQUOR WARNING...

Of course this does not apply to you and me, but you may want to pass this on to other people to warn them.

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
***WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
***WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

Angry Pope

08-09-2006, 07:19 PM

Good stuff.

Angel

08-10-2006, 09:52 AM

Thanks AP!! :)

A modern day cowboy had spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse had already died of thirst.
Crawling through the sand, he was certain that he had breathed his last breath. All of a sudden he saw an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him. He crawled to the object, pulled it out of
the sand, and discovered what looked to be an old briefcase. He opened it and out popped a genie.

But this was no ordinary genie. She was wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There was a calculator in her pocketbook. She had a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," said the genie. "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS genie."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right.
He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and

drink."

***POOF***
The cowboy found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen. And he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***
The cowboy found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "Alright, Tex, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy said, "I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached.

Angel

08-11-2006, 09:24 AM

Hallmark Cards You'll
(Probably) Never See

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...that you're not here to ruin it for me.

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends,
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

Happy vasectomy,
hope you feel zippy
'cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me, like the need for therapy."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it,
she moved in with me.

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age—almost lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket--I'd miss you a lot and think of you often."

I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday—so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" (Available only in Alabama.)

Angel

08-13-2006, 09:37 AM

The Truth about Missouri!

Just moved to Missouri! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
> Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is
> beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

> June 14th:
> Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
> air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
> see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

> June 30th:
> Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus
> and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me.
> Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

> July 10th:
> The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used
> to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But, getting
> used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

> July 15th:
> Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
> body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my
> lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

> July 20th:
> I didn't notice Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this
> morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and
> swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water
> balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and $*%&#. I learned my lesson
> though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

> July 25th:
> The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot
> as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman
> charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

> July 30th:
> Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and
> I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come
> here?
> Aug. 4th:
> It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
> $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

> Aug. 8th:
> If another person cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to
> strangle him. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over,
> my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

> Aug. 9th:
> Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the
> seats in the car, I thought I was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I
> lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. . . Now
> my car smells like burnt hair and baked cat.

> Aug 10th:
> The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and
> sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 months and
> the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever
> rain in this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of
> cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in
> this heat.

> Aug. 14th:
> Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot
> to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The
> installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for
> you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.
> Freaking Missouri. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live
> here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

Angry Pope

08-13-2006, 11:43 AM

Weekend Football

For the weekend football fans, John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Broncos' bench. He asked the coach what it was for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. Coach told him, "Sure, but it'll cost you $100. "Madden scratched his head, then thought, what the heck I need a break picking the games. He pulled out his wallet & paid the $100. Madden was perfect that week.

The next weekend Madden was in Kansas City when he noticed the same kind of phone on the Chiefs' bench. He asked the coach what the phone was for & was told, "It's the hotline to God & if you want to use it'll cost $100. "Recalling last week, Madden pulled out his wallet, paid the money & made the call. Madden was perfect that week.

The next weekend Madden was in Oakland at the Coliseum when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Raiders' bench. He owner, Al Davis, "Is that phone the hotline to God?" Al said, "Yes and if you want to use it, it'll cost 35 cents. "Madden looked incredulously at Al and said, "Wait a second, I just paid $100 at Denver and $100 at Kansas City to use the same phone to God. Why does Oakland only charge 35 cents?

"Al looked at Madden and replied, "In Oakland it's a local call."

Angel

08-14-2006, 08:26 PM

I've read that one before AP...but it's worth a repeat!! :p

Angel

08-14-2006, 08:27 PM

40 things you'd love to say out loud at work!

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f*cking people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. like humor . but different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you really marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality

Angry Pope

08-15-2006, 11:31 AM

This is a great thread Angel!

Angel

08-16-2006, 10:49 AM

Thanks AP!! :)

CUSTOMER SERVICE CALL

This has got to be one of the funniest things I've heard of in a
long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This
is a true phone call from the Word Perfect Help line which was
transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say, the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she
is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination
without Cause." This is actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect
Customer
Support employee. Now I know why they record these conversations!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because
it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power . . . A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer."

Angel

08-17-2006, 10:44 AM

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF EXAMINATION

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim "and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

Angel

08-18-2006, 09:19 AM

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...

If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…

If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…

If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…

If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…

If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…

If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…

If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…

If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground

the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…

Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’…

Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…

Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights…

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt…

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted…

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do…

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before…

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get…

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat…

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day…

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves…

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it…

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office…

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back…

Everything can be filed under “pending.”…

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour…

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy…

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing…

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail…

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it…

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk…

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t…

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done…

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying…

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried…

Following the rules will not get the job done…

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules…

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”…

No matter how much you do, you never do enough…

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong…

Angel

08-20-2006, 02:29 PM

Subject: ROBIN WILLIAMS .....A WINNER
The Plan!

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic.
You gotta love Robin Williams......
Even if he's nuts!

Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan
What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up
And repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...
(Hard to argue with this logic!)
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace
But I have not heard of a plan for
Peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their
affairs, Past &present.
You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein,
And the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines.
They don't want us there.
We would station troops at our borders.
No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and
leave! We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, Regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days
unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be
allowed in.
If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here.
Asylum would never be available to anyone.
We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If
they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness.. The caribou will have to cope for a while .

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for
their oil. If they don't like it, we'll go someplace else.
They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we
will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain,
cement or whatever they need. Besides most of us know that what we give them is
stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't
need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make
a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one
can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

11) The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...
Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
The Statue of Liberty is no longer
Saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.
She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

Angel

08-24-2006, 10:52 AM

Secret Cat Diary:

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Angel

08-26-2006, 11:58 AM

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She says "I hope you dont mind but I feel much luckier when I play topless" with that she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice, and yelled "c'mon baby southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed "Yes! Yes! I won !! I Won!!" She hugged each of the the dealers and picked up her winnings and quickly departed. The dealers stared at eachother dumbfounded. Finally one of them asked " What did she roll?" The other answered , "I dont know.... I thought you were watching"

Moral-------
Not all southerners are stupid
Not all blondes are dumb
But, All men......... are men!

Angel

08-27-2006, 12:45 PM

Sensible Observations

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?

There's a support group for that.

It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it,
have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.

There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors
of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I
could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the
poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.

Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?

What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress.. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

--Unknown, presumed deceased

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have
another beer."

- W. C. Fields

Rupert

08-27-2006, 12:55 PM

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

He hits the nail on the head there. Of course it's especially relevant at this time of year.

Angel

08-28-2006, 05:45 AM

Angel

08-31-2006, 11:55 AM

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Dad's New Wife Timothy"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"

"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

Angel

09-01-2006, 08:49 AM

LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK!!!
> > >
> > > Today my baby girl's 18th birthday I be so glad that this be my last
> > > child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those
> > > damn payments!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she
> > > get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo
> > > momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin'
> > > from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo
> > mama's face."
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hea
> > > r what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout
> > that?"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and watch the
> > > 'spression on yo face.

Angel

09-04-2006, 09:52 AM

Driving Styles:

Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...

Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.

New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.

Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.

Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap

Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.

Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.

Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.

Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.

West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.

Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.

Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.

Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.

Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.

Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel

New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!

Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.

California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.

Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.

Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.

Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.

Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.

Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.

Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.

Angel

09-06-2006, 11:00 AM

Your new computer:

Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2000 Multimedia Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a special bonus pack of free pre-installed software:- 'Lawn Mowing Planner', 'Blank Screen Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine Mechanic' valued at over a fiver, which will provide hours of pointless diversion whilst using up most of your computers spare memory. You are now ready to begin the installation so turn the page and lets get started!

<new page>

Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box, possibly from miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any use and can be thrown away.

Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use the 80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the box if you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and conditions set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe model) should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2½ inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26 different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and Styrofoam packing material.

All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test. Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.

Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary hardware upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical substation.

Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue and live = neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent to you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.

Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key, simply press the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your License Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)

If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions will appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is always a good bet. If the installation fails with an error message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error message that says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. Please select the most appropriate option. When installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged into the phone socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software prize, 'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly. If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly normal as it verifies that your modem is working correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form and send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.

<new page>

You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start:

Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your new printer that you are about to order from us and Voila!

Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a drawer.

Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!

Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer. These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to us.

Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions: Problem: My computer won't turn on Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal

Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.

Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead

Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.

Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.

Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will disappear.

Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat

Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model with exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set. **

** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been discontinued.

Angel

09-14-2006, 08:01 AM

THINGS YOU'D NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

Do you think my hair is too big?

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

The tires on that truck are too big.

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?

Damned if that polititian ain't honest!

We're vegetarians.

I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

You can't feed that to the dog.

Trim the fat off that steak.

I just love the Opera

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

Wrasslin's fake.

CrossBones

09-14-2006, 08:12 AM

Hehehe... Graceland tacky. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Angry Pope

09-14-2006, 05:44 PM

In the days of old sailing ships the captain of the Seahawk went out on deck to get some fresh air, when from above a cry came down from the crow's nest: "Enemy ship off the port bow!" The captain said to the ensign standing next to him, "Get me my red shirt." A battle ensued and the Seahawk prevailed. Two weeks later the captain was again on deck when another cry came from the crow's nest, "Two enemy ships off the starboard bow!" The captain again says to the ensign, "Get me my red shirt." After the battle was won the ensign asked the captain why he tells him to get his red shirt. The captain said that if he is wounded and the blood begins to flow the crew will not see that he was injured and keep on fighting. The crew overheard this and was proud to have such a brave captain leading them. A week later another cry came from the crow's nest, "TEN enemy ships approaching!" The captain said to his ensign, "Get me my brown pants!"

Rupert

09-14-2006, 06:16 PM

Heh! Brown pants.

Angel

09-15-2006, 11:01 AM

This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...

(In response to the popular "A Woman's 50 Rules for Men")

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.

Angel

09-18-2006, 07:29 AM

What Men Want

More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Vitamin fortified cigars.
Public beer fountains.
Kitty catapults.
All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.
Wet T-shirt Fridays.
Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors.
Rocket boots.
Machine gun camp.
NASA space shuttle races.
Sledgehammer boxing.
Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.
Congressional pie fights.
Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Tomahawk missile surf boards.
Hot tub jury boxes.
Nacho cheese lipstick.
Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.
New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts.
24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.
Inflatable sex dolls who cook.
Beef jerky business cards.
Combination briefcase/pizza oven.
National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.
Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of asses.
Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.
Karaoke "ejector" stages.
Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.
The Astronaut Reserves.
Porno without all the "talking" filler.
Head banging elevated to "fine art".
All money spent on women tax deductible!
Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.
Passports to Margaritaville.
The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.
One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.

Angry Pope

09-19-2006, 05:04 PM

Two vampires walk into a bar. The waitress asks..what will it be. One vampire says I will have a blood, the other says I will have a plasma. The waitress turns to the bartender and says...give me a blood and a blood light.

Angry Pope

09-19-2006, 05:10 PM

Two potatos are standing on the corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

The one with the sticker that says..Idaho (I-da-ho)

CrossBones

09-19-2006, 05:47 PM

Two potatos are standing on the corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

The one with the sticker that says..Idaho (I-da-ho):p .......

Angel

09-20-2006, 01:36 PM

The Bus Driver

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

Angel

09-20-2006, 01:37 PM

Cheating

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

Angry Pope

09-20-2006, 03:08 PM

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."

St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

Angry Pope

09-20-2006, 03:10 PM

Cartoon.......

Hit it here... (http://www.rd.com/images/cartoons/09_05_PC_Vey.gif)

CrossBones

09-20-2006, 04:53 PM

Two hahahahahas for AP today!

Very good.

Angry Pope

09-21-2006, 11:03 AM

Why It's Important to Listen Carefully

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

Angry Pope

09-21-2006, 11:04 AM

Cartoon....

Hit it here... (http://www.rd.com/images/cartoons/06_05_John_Grimes2.gif)

Angel

09-21-2006, 11:05 AM

Unlikely

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say:

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy armpits are really sexy.
7. Her breasts are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on ''Murder She Wrote'' gives me a woody.
4. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. Screw Monday Night Footbal! Let's watch Lifetime.
1. I think we're lost. Let's pull over and ask for directions.

The Last 10 Things a Woman Would Ever Say

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey…get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw away that old T-shirt. The holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big!
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches long.
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

Angry Pope

09-22-2006, 09:48 AM

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Angry Pope

09-22-2006, 11:04 AM

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."

The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Angry Pope

09-22-2006, 11:05 AM

Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Angry Pope

09-22-2006, 11:06 AM

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Angry Pope

09-22-2006, 11:07 AM

Yo' mamma so stupid, she puts lipstick on her forehead just to make up her mind.

Angry Pope

09-22-2006, 11:08 AM

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but I thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Angry Pope

09-22-2006, 11:26 AM

Gems From Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright ..... "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems:

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film

Angry Pope

09-22-2006, 11:27 AM

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Angry Pope

09-23-2006, 10:05 AM

Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show. Responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A.. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Angry Pope

09-23-2006, 10:11 AM

A couple more...

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?

A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Rupert

09-23-2006, 09:25 PM

Benedict bringing the humor. Giving the Angel some time off?

Angel

09-24-2006, 04:34 PM

Angel's getting a vacation next week :p

Don't Say This During Sex

But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people.
You're almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession...
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
You can cook, too right?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry but I don't do toes!
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Angel

09-25-2006, 10:04 AM

Dating vs. Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

Angel

09-26-2006, 05:23 AM

Female Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Rupert

09-26-2006, 09:44 AM

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: I thought the place had improved somehow.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Excellent. No sensless chatter.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: I was wondering about the hairly legs.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Funny, the bartender told me it was yield.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Me too.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: How did you know about my clown-face tatoo?

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Only if you left.

Angel

09-27-2006, 10:49 AM

Rupert

09-27-2006, 05:40 PM

Thank you, thank you.

Angel

09-28-2006, 11:49 AM

Reading the Signs:

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS." Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort.

1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex

2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin

5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent

6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote

7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan

8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho

9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow

10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow

11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm

12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"

13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed

14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue

15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't

16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only

17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs

18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation

19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come

20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot

21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you

22. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac

23. Drinks Decaffeinated. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)

24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)

25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money

26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex

27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob

28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch

29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters

30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count

31. Under tips waiter - Small penis

32. Under tips parking valet - Small penis

33. Under tips cabby - Small penis

34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything

35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex

36. Cellular phone in car - Penile implant

Angel

09-29-2006, 09:18 AM

Go Git Cha Momma

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were
in a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I
dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed
a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24
year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy..................go git cha Momma...............

Angel

09-30-2006, 12:16 PM

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See, men just don't listen !
**************

Angel

10-03-2006, 06:38 AM

The husband had just finished reading a new book: 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN Of YOUR HOUSE.'

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want.

After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f----ing funeral director would be my guess."

Angel

10-04-2006, 09:43 AM

New Gas Plan....

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best
way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal
immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The
price of gas would come down. If you think this is a good solution to
both the problems, forward it to your friends.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border.
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a
canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants
to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him
a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he
will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He
will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This
option
will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the
troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for
themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without
the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CrossBones

10-04-2006, 10:57 AM

Angel

10-04-2006, 03:26 PM

Signs of Maturity:

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.

Angel

10-04-2006, 03:27 PM

Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

Angel

10-08-2006, 09:13 AM

New computer helpdesk support fees:

Calling me with a question - $10

Calling me with a stupid question - $30

Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $50

Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description - $1000 + punitive damages

Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $50

Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00

Calling me back with the same problem after I fix it once - $100

Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow - $200

Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $25/step

Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas

If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem - $170/hr

If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $250/hr

If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr

If you've come to ask me why something isn't working while I'm currently working on it- $270/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $175/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix - $85/hr

If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work - $95/hr

If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you - $150/hr

Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00

Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - $1700.00

Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500.00

Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00

Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do - $300.00

Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00

Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00

BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00

Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mouse pad - $25.00

Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mouse pad 90 degrees - $35.00

Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00

Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00

Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00

Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200.00

Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the Ethernet transceiver back in - $375.00

Fixing the crashed name server by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400

Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in - $50

Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there - $10

Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server - $500

Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25

Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50

Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first - $100 per program

Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not)

Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard

Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor

Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system

Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed

Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy

Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine - $200

Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25

Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets - $50

Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!" - $40

Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Never mind." - $35 (including discount for polite apology)

Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - $25

Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died." requests - $45

Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line - $55

Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)

Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points - $15

If I wrote the sign - $45

If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door - $75

Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00

Reporting it more than once - $50.00

Reporting it more than once and implying slothfulness on tech support's inability to solve problem - $200.00

Beeper Prices:

Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $150

Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left - $200

Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button - $200

Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per beep

Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $55

Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $50

Special Rates:

Dealing with user body odour - $175.00/hour

Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site - $150.00/hour

Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help - $300.00/hour

Dealing with computer hobbyists - $500.00/hour

Questioning the other prices - $50

CrossBones

10-08-2006, 10:47 AM

Beautiful for the "Geeks Are Us" gang.

Angel

10-08-2006, 07:04 PM

>NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
>
>DAMNITOL
>Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
>
>EMPTYNESTROGEN
>Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
>how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved
>out.
>
>
>ST. MOMMA'S WORT
>Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
>unconscious for up to two days.
>
>
>PEPTOBIMBO
>Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
>evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
>conception.
>
>DUMBEROL
>When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
>enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
>
>FLIPITOR
>Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
>urge to flip off other drivers.
>
>MENICILLIN
>Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
>lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
>
>BUYAGRA
>Injectible stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration,
>and credit limit of spending spree.
>
>JACKASSPIRIN
>Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
>anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
>
>ANTI-TALKSIDENT
>A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
>share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
>
>
>NAGAMENT
>When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation
>level as nagging him.
>

Angel

10-12-2006, 11:58 AM

E-MAIL
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals."

GOLF INJURIES
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

ONE LEG
Q: If women with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?
A: IHOP.

SUPERIOR CULTURE
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire." And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says, "We invented sex." The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women."

DIAPER CHANGE
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once every month?
A: Because it says on the box, "Good for up to 20 pounds."

RAFFLE
One day, a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah, I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." After supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "Hey, there's only an inch of water in the tub!" "Yes," the husband replies. "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

NO EYES
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.

DAMN
Two cows were standing in a field when one goes, "Mooo." The other replies, "Damn, I was just about say that."

BIG FEET
A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true. The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman is curious, so she spends the night with him. When she sees him the next day, she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. "I'm flattered," he says, blushing. "Nobody has ever paid me for my prowess before." "Well, don't be," the woman replies. "Take this money and go buy yourself some boots that fit!"

Angel

10-13-2006, 11:41 AM

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder..

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Congratulations on yo ur wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ---------------------- ------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're no t here to ruin it for me.

################################################## ##

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go..

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

************************************************** ******************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tenn essee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
< BR> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise .

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let 's say we stop?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

================================================== ===

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your da y.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

Angel

10-17-2006, 03:06 PM

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at
the altar.

Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of
me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

Angel

10-18-2006, 10:33 AM

A Professor was giving a lecture of:

"Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

Angel

10-20-2006, 01:08 PM

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an eight-step stress management
technique recommended in the latest psychological texts.? The funny thing is
that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See? You're smiling already.

Rupert

10-20-2006, 01:43 PM

Hah! I bypassed #4 and was walking in the parks of Wiesbaden until #7. Then I was laughing.

Angel

10-21-2006, 08:45 AM

I got this in an email and I was thinking 'how boring...not much of a joke'...then I hit #7 and about fell out of my chair!! :)

Angel

10-21-2006, 08:49 AM

Reasons you won't win the local annual Halloween costume contest...

After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.

Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.

The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.

"Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??"

Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at the Quayle house.

Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.

Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President's semen.

Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.

You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.

In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?

Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.

Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.

The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.

Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.

Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party - four times.

Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler" is stuck in the car door.

Your beret falls off every time you kneel.

Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check. Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer"? Check.
Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!

No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.

This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.

Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.

The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.

The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.

*Nobody* likes a farting clown.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------