The ***Official*** Joke Thread!!

[Rupert]

A red-headed girl sent a text message to her sister:

"Had sex with brazilian man last night."

Her blonde sister replied:

"OMG u slut! How many is a brazilian?"

[Angry Pope]

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to
buy a chain saw ? He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day. He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day. The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was. The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?

[Angry Pope]

One morning Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a Washington restaurant. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W. Bush. He replies, "How about a quickie?"

"Why, Mr. President" the waitress says, "How rude..! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton and you haven't even been in office for a full term yet!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers: "It's pronounced 'quiche'."

[CrossBones]

Hey AP...long time. What's up brother?

[Angry Pope]

Hi Bones,

Things are good. Where is the arcade?

[Angry Pope]

Shakey went to a psychiatrist ...

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[Angry Pope]

Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." **********

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." **********

On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels **********

Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises" **********

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." **********

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." **********

On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak." **********

At a Tire Store: "Invite us to your next blowout." **********

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." **********

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire & take appropriate action." **********

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." **********

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." **********

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." **********

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" **********

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." **********

Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." **********

In a Vets waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" **********

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in & get fed up." **********

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." **********

And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak." **********

[Angry Pope]

Actual Federal Employee Evaluation Quotes

Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.
Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He is so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

[007]

Holy shit!

The real Angry Pope?

No way. I don't believe it...

[Angry Pope]

Hi 007,

Nice to see you.

[Angry Pope]

The Honeymooners

(old joke)

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to sayhello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"

Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station . My beautiful bride, Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino,some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip.Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta lil' bit hungry and openup a da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eata in disa car. Musta use a dining car.' "

"So, me and my beautiful bride Virginia, we go to dining car, eata biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in diisa car. Musta use a cluba car.

"So, we go to club car. While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car Musta go to smokina car.' "We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar."

"Then my beautiful bride Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, hewalka through da hall shoutin' at da top of hisa voice, Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'"

"Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus

[Angry Pope]

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?' 'What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says 'you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Darn thing's an hour fast!'

[Angry Pope]

A young indian scout comes riding into town from the prarie and runs straight to the town doctor. Out of breath and distraught, he interupts the doctor who is tending to another patient and says to him.

"Big chief, no fart! Big chief no fart!"

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Ah, your indian chief has gas! Here, take these two pills with you back to the prarie and tell your chief to take them. That should fix his illness."

And with that, the scout returned to the prarie.

The next day the indian scout came riding back into town and again ran to the town doctor, still frantic, and when he got to the doctor he pleaded once again.

"Big chief no fart! Big chief no fart!"

The doctor looked puzzled.. "Hmm. Those pills didn't help? He must have a more severe case of gas than I originally thought. Go back to your chief and tell him to take FOUR more of these."

He handed the scout four more pills and the scout took off like a shot, back to the prarie.

The next day the indian scout came riding into town again, faster than ever! He ran up to the doctor and began yelling jibberish that the doctor couldn't understand.

The doctor began to calm him down, "Woah woah, there. Calm down. What's the problem? Still 'Big Chief no fart'"?

The scout looks him in the eyes and says.

"Big fart no chief!"

[Angry Pope]

Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them...

Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus.. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.

Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet..

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

She Who MUST be obeyed

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.

When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

I love my cat. My cat does not care.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.

My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.

Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it’s all about?

Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.

Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?

And your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

No one pays attention until you make a mistake.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.

If I save time, when do I get it back?

A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

[Angry Pope]

WORDS OF WISDOM FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE

“Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.” (Sharon Stone).

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” (Courtney Cox-Arquette).

“Ah, yes, divorce. From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” (Robin Williams).

“And God said, ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.” (George Burns).

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an aeroplane: either you have diarrhoea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” (Henry Kissinger).

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.” (Steve Jobs - founder of Apple Computers).

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’ (Arnold Schwarzenegger).

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum.’” (Patricia Arquette)

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas men are just grateful.” (Robert De Niro).

“Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” (Dustin Hoffman).

“When the sun comes up, I have morals again.” (Elizabeth Taylor).

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” (Robin Williams).

[Angry Pope]

THE BEDTIME PRAYER

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who’s not a creep
One who’s handsome, smart and strong
One whose willy is thick and long
One who thinks before he speaks
When he promises to call, he doesn’t wait weeks
I pray that he is gainfully employed
And when I spend his cash he’s not annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door
Massages my back and begs to do more
Oh send me a man who’ll make love to my mind
Knows what to say when I ask ‘How big’s my behind?’
One who’ll make love til my body’s a twitchin
In the hall, the loo, the garden and the kitchen
I pray this man will love me no end
And never attempt to shag my best friend
And as I kneel and pray by my bed
I look at the shithead you sent me instead

Amen

[Angry Pope]

Situations Hallmark Cards Don't Cover

1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you...
(inside card)
I changed my mind.

2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life...
(inside card)
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by I think how lucky I am...
(inside card)
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(inside card)
Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card)
Someone other than you.

6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
(inside card)
Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me...
(inside card)
Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(inside card)
What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(inside card)
It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(inside card)
Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend
If we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket...
(inside card)
I'd miss you terribly
And think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(inside card)
So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
(inside card)
What was I thinking?

[Angry Pope]

SOME INTERESTING FACTS

Next time you’re washing and the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some ‘facts’ about the 1500s.

1. Most people got married in June becauae they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so bride carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.

2. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”

3. Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, hence the saying “Its raining cats and dogs.”

4. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could really mess up the bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy bends came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying “dirt poor.”

5. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread ‘thresh’ (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kep adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway, hence a “threshold.”

6. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

7. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach into the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so tomatoes were considered poisonous.

8. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or “upper crust.”

9. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up, hence the custom of “holding a wake.”

10. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would ties a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (“the graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”

[Angry Pope]

Let-down lines.....?

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

[Angry Pope]

And they say romance is dead!

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Of loving beauty, you float with grace
If only you, could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love for you takes my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

[Angry Pope]

13 Things PMS stands for:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My SweatpantS
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

[Angry Pope]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She is not a SL*T - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT SL*PPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER

[Angry Pope]

Cow 1: I've just been artificially inseminated.
Cow 2: I don't believe you.
Cow 1: It's true, no bull.

[Angry Pope]

Teacher: How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

Pupil: With a pair of Caesars!

[Angry Pope]

Did you hear about the blonde who snorted Sweet 'n' Low?


She thought it was Diet Coke.

[Angry Pope]

Boy and his Grandpa

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."

A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."

Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000."

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"

"Yes," Says grandpa.

"Then go fuck yourself."

[Angry Pope]

Memorial Stone

Jim died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sharon . 'Forty thousand.'

"No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'

About four karats.

[Angry Pope]

Egyptian Viagra

An American tourist takes his wife for vacation in Egypt. During their travels through Cairo they wonder through a street market, where a local merchant offers the American some Viagra - illegal in Egypt - for $100 a pill.

"A hundred dollars???", says the American incredulously. "You've got to be kidding me. No way. It's not worth it."

"I will sell it to you for $50", says the merchant.

"It's not worth it. Thanks but no thanks", says the American.

"OK, OK. I give you good price. I will sell it to you for $25", says the merchant.

"No. It's not worth it. But, thank you for being persistent", says the American.

"Wait!" says the merchant. "I'll sell it for $10! It must be worth $10!!!"

"Well", says the American, "it's a very good price, I'm sure. But it's my wife that's not worth it...."

[Angry Pope]

Rednecks flying home

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"

[Angry Pope]

Redneck At The Bar

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

[Angry Pope]

After his wife had a baby, the new minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair and approved it.

When the next child arrived, the minister appealed, and again, the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation voiced their unhappiness over the increasing expenses.

The minister stood up and shouted "Procreation is an act of God!"

An old man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

[Angry Pope]

Picture....

Learning to fly.... (http://www.jokespalace.com/wp-content/themes/jokespalace/pictures/how-to-fly.jpg)

[Angry Pope]

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Diarrhea Relief... (http://www.jokespalace.com/wp-content/themes/jokespalace/pictures/diarrhoea-relief.jpg)

[Angry Pope]

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Consolation for bad kicking... (http://www.jokespalace.com/wp-content/themes/jokespalace/pictures/fortunately-she-sucks.jpg)

[Angry Pope]

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Conquring fears... (http://www.jokespalace.com/wp-content/themes/jokespalace/pictures/conqured-anorexia.jpg)

[Angry Pope]

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Guard your valuables... (http://www.jokespalace.com/wp-content/themes/jokespalace/pictures/brief-safe.jpg)

[Angry Pope]

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Baby shirt.... (http://www.jokespalace.com/wp-content/themes/jokespalace/pictures/daddys-lil-squirt.jpg)

[Angry Pope]

Redneck Sex Test

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False

[Angry Pope]

Picture.....

Gold Digger.... (http://www.jokespalace.com/wp-content/themes/jokespalace/pictures/gold-digger.jpg)

[Angry Pope]

Picture....

Another baby shirt.... (http://www.jokespalace.com/wp-content/themes/jokespalace/pictures/daddy-wanted-blowjob.jpg)

[Angry Pope]

Redneck Church

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a Bell, you are called to service by a duck call

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now Ya Hear!"

[Angry Pope]

Because I’m a man , when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

[Angry Pope]

I rear-ended a car this morning. I knew it was going to be a really bad day!

The driver got out of the other car and I looked down and realized he was a dwarf!!!

He looked up at me and said “I’M NOT HAPPY!”

So I said, “Well then, which one are you?”

And that’s how the fight started.

[Angry Pope]

Words of wisdom:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Money can't buy happiness, but it makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the universe travels faster than a bad check.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.

[Angry Pope]

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”

The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father answers: “Okay son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

[Angry Pope]

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.


CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.


CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.


DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.


EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.


INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.


RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.


SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.


SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.


TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.


TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.


YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

[Angry Pope]

Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?

Man: No, I did because I am a gentleman.

[Angry Pope]

A woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams, "I was just stung by a bee!"

The golf pro asks, "Where?"

Still screaming, the woman replies, "Between the first and second holes."

The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies, "It sounds like your stance is too wide."

[Angry Pope]

Cultural Misunderstandings

A virile, young Italian sailor was relaxing at his favorite bar, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...yousa finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No-oh." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting >ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "Yousa finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No-oh."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "Yousa finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "Oh no, I Norwegian."

[Angry Pope]

INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock

one year ago,

It would NOW be worth $49.00

With Enron, you would have had $16.50
left of the original $1,000.00.!

With WorldCom,

you would have had less than $5.00 left

BUT

If you had purchased $1,000.00

worth of Beer one year ago,
drank all the beer,
then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had
$214.00.

============================

Based on the above information,

current investment advice is to

drink heavily and recycle.

===================

It’s called the

401-Keg Plan

[Angry Pope]

“I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!”

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day.

One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”

[Angry Pope]

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

[Angry Pope]

Adam bit the apple and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, and an oak.

[Angry Pope]

Near Death Experience

Monday I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went
horseback riding.

Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control.
I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the
stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head
continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager
came and unplugged it.

[Angry Pope]

Court Enquiry of Why I Lock My Locker

A LAWYER was trying to undermine a police officer's credibility during a cross-examination.

Lawyer: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?


Officer: No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Lawyer: Officer, who provided this description?

Officer: The officer who went to the scene.

Lawyer: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

Officer: Yes, sir, with my life.

Lawyer: With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

Officer: Yes, sir, we do.

Lawyer: Do you have a locker in the room?

Officer: Yes, sir, I do.

Lawyer: Do you have a lock on your locker?

Officer: Yes, sir.

Lawyer: Why is it, then, that if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with them?

Officer: Sir, we share the building with the court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

[Angry Pope]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year med students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

[Angry Pope]

A husband read an article to his about how many words women use a day – 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘ The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.’ The husband turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

[Angry Pope]

True story...

The Wedding Ring

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his trouser pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so angry she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:





1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.




OR....


2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.





OR....

3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


Tough call .... You decide.

[CrossBones]

^^^

:rotf: x3

[Angry Pope]

Computer Quotes

What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.

What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.

Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.

To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.

Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

[Angry Pope]

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name..


He replied, "She called Four Horse".




The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"


The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,





NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

[Angry Pope]

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B!TCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:

If men would just listen

[Angry Pope]

Operator 28


An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"

[Angry Pope]

Fowl Play

Scientists at NASA had developed a gun whose purpose is to launch dead chickens at extreme velocities. No, this isn't the result of over-competitive engineers at the annual Goddard Chicken Toss (though that would be a perfectly understandable consequence.) The gun is used to shoot dead chickens at the windshields of airline jets, military jets, and the space shuttle, (while they are parked, that is) at that vehicle's maximum velocity it could be traveling while in "bird space." As such, it simulates the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields were designed strong enough.

British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high speed trains. However, upon firing the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's chair backrest in two, and embedded itself into the back of the cabin. (Luckily, the train was unmanned at the time).

Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the design of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.

NASA sent back a one-sentence response: "Thaw the chicken first."

[Angry Pope]

This is a funny, but true, story about Neil Armstrong:

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just a few years ago, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

NOTE: This is a confirmed true story.

[Angry Pope]

Sale on Arseholes


Two fellows are running a store and decide to have a big blow-out clearance sale. Within 3 hours, everything is sold from the store. The one fellow says to the other, "Well, what now? We've sold everything."

The other replies, "Dont worry, there's this newfie who comes in here everyday. We'll have a few laughs on him."

Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, newf comes walking in, hands in pockets, looking around. "Tell me lads", asks the newfie, "what have ya for sale today?"

One of the fellows says, "Well we're having a sale on arseholes!"

Newfie says, "Well ya must be doing pretty good, ya only got two left!"

[Angry Pope]

Good Medical Training


"How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress as she walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

[Angry Pope]

The Surprise


Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out...carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends.

All were singing Happy Birthday.

... and there on the couch I sat...
... with nothing on but my socks......

[Angry Pope]

25 Year old Breasts


A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."